Weeks ago I promised an update “soon.” Years ago, during a visit to Haiti, my daughter told me “Soon mean long long time,” making her wingspan as wide as she could. This is also the way of things today. Please forgive the delay….
I want to say encouraging words of love and hope and support – those things I KNOW for sure are true. And. I do KNOW, in an experientially and spiritually lived-in way…. there is no limit to the many many blessings in my life; that list stretches on and on and on.
Earlier today I read my friend Daphne Odom’s post. And. Well? Just ALL the yeses in ALL the world.
Today? October 16, 2021? I am not okay. I am very shakily planted in the very most teetering row of the struggle bus. The list is fairly long. I hope it is not as long as the list of graces (Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!)…. Some of the details might be stories in themselves, but details here are not the point. The point today is honesty. I have reached a depth of fatigue I have never known. 2020 was REALLY difficult, to be sure. 2021 turned its head ‘round and said, “Honey, hold my beer…”. I have studied more over the past 18 + months than since those first basic science years some three decades ago. I have agonized over the decision to ask my patients to remain unmasked (lip reading is probably my actual superpower- but there’s gotta be lips moving on a face to actually read) more days than not, especially since this spring. I have tried to continue living life without fear and with respect for all I come in contact with. My current theme song is “More Like Love,” by Ben Rector.
And I see so many people out there, doing this! Really meaning to live this way! What is the next right thing in the service of Love? Even so, I feel the deepening divide in the pit of the stomach in the marrow of my bones.
My pastor and friend tells me I’m carrying burdens that aren’t mine to carry. He is right. Absolutely! Of course. Have some damn emotional boundaries, woman! The thing is. As truly and deeply and richly aware as I am of the blessings, right now, I am understanding grief with new clarity. Loss. The depth of alone-ness actually possible in this life.
I am not hopeless. I cannot be without hope. (Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!). I have the most amazingly beautiful family and circle of loves. Love’s weight is lite as a feather kiss, as thick as eternity.
Sending you much love and enveloping you in a virtual hug that is full of hope. It’s been a hard two years, but I hope that you’re able to feel the positivity you project even in the hard times. Remember to rest my friend and find joy in the small signs that God puts in our paths. God bless you and yours.
KB
Love you & this! I remind myself God is in control. I don’t need to know His plan. Don’t need to understand. Hard to soak in when you’re used to fixing it all.
Written for my dear friend Abby Blackman many many years ago:
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
Hope..no one can take that away from us..hope in our Creator. The One who created you exactly how He wants you. He wants you to know even when that aloneness starts creeping in..you are and never will be alone because of Him. Faith, HOPE and love 💕
Love you, sweet friend,
C Stout
(PS I learned this the hard way btw)
I feel this deeply. I feel your hope even amidst the hurting. It’s always there. Big love and thank you for sharing your heart, for being vulnerable and being a light through which God shines. Thank you, love you